“If thou dost stretch thy hand against me, to slay me, it is not for me
to stretch my hand against thee to slay thee.” Abel addressing his brother
Cain, the Qur’an 5:28
The entries in “Abel’s
Confessions” were mostly written in spurts in the mid to late 1990s, albeit
I have added a dozen or so more entries in the years since. The entries are
intended as poetic reflections that speak to the enduring turmoil in my soul
rather than final conclusions reached through intellectual fermentation.
Indeed, I chose to publish “Confessions”
as a companion piece to my “Heretical
Affirmations,” so they can act as a sort of counterweight to them while
serving to illustrate the existing dichotomy and enduring conflict between the
dictates of my rational self and those of my innermost psyche and
predisposition. For it is only by acknowledging my innate fragility and
perennial turmoil that I can really accept and be true to who I am.
But what keeps me whole throughout it all is that lingering, nagging,
yearning burning inside me urging me to transcend all my shortcomings and
contradictions and do something decent, and lasting—something that I can
sincerely refer to one day as my legacy and be somewhat proud, or at least
partly satisfied, that I have somehow managed to compensate for the guilt and
shame that stem out of my all too human vulnerabilities.